PERCEPTION OF SELF VS. THE PERCEPTIONS OF OTHERS

We all have some type of self-perception.  We might see ourselves as handsome or ugly, bright or average in intelligence, introverted or extroverted, agreeable or disagreeable, easy going or difficult.  For some people, their self-perception is well developed.  However, our self-perception might not match the perception that others have of us.  You might say “I don’t see myself as bossy, just organized.”  Others might perceive you as bossy.   It’s useful to know the various ways others perceive you, especially when those perceptions are negative in nature.  It’s also important to know if we have a positive impact on others.  It can be informative to determine how closely others’ perceptions of us match our own self-perceptions.   For example, if we don’t perceive ourself as a leader and others do perceive us as a leader, that can explain why they are always coming up to us with questions or problems to be solved.  Another common example is when others consider us unapproachable, and we perceive ourselves as welcoming and approachable.  In this case, our positive self-perception is negated by the feelings and perceptions of others.  There’s no objective truth in this situation; they are simply differing views of reality.

The concept of self-perception or self-schema refers to physical size and shape,  intelligence, and every aspect of human personality.  We might consider ourselves tenacious, while others perceive us as stubborn.  Following are other examples of opposing perceptions:

• Confident or Arrogant

• Friendly or Glad Hander

• Determined or Pushy

• Funny or Silly

• Enthusiastic or Desperate

• Intense or Anxious

• Assertive or Aggressive

• Organized or Obsessive

• Responsible or Bossy

• Punctual or Overeager

It’s unlikely anyone would describe themselves as a braggart, as arrogant or as a narcissist.  One time I confronted a friend whom I perceived to be bragging excessively about his children.  He got defensive, claimed that he was not bragging, just proud of his children.  So what I perceived as bragging he considered pride.  It’s useful to ask trusted friends and associates how they perceive you, to be able to bridge the gap between self-perception and perception others have of you.  For example, I don’t perceive myself as defensive.  However, if I’m accused of something I’m certain I don’t do, I might actually become defensive or be perceived as defensive.  There’s a difference between clarifying one’s feelings and being defensive.  Often people are unable to recognize this distinction.  This discrepancy can explain why certain types of interpersonal conflicts occur.  In many cases we think we come across one way, yet others might be put off or annoyed by our demeanor or behavior.  It doesn’t mean we have to change, but merely to be aware of these discrepancies.

Related to this are the differences between our private feelings and perceptions and what we actually express to others.  We might be acutely aware of our feelings or attitudes about others, yet they might be unable to detect them.   For example, when we are uncomfortable with another’s behavior, they might be oblivious to our discomfort.   So, although we might find someone extremely annoying, they might be unaware of the subtleties of our feelings about them.  In spite of this, we’re often self conscious in social settings because we know our true feelings (even though others might not).  There’s a wide variation in terms of how accurately others perceive our true feelings about them.  Some people can “read” our nonverbal communication and expressions which we might think we have disguised.

For example, when we don’t like another person, we might demonstrate that dislike by turning away from them or averting our eyes.  They may or may not perceive more subtle changes in body language.  It’s possible they might think you’re just a cold person.  Yet, as I mentioned, we might be successful in hiding our true feelings from others.  This is especially true in a business setting where negative feelings are not always expressed openly.  In some cases we might actually want others to be aware of our annoyance or dislike.

If you want to determine how others perceive you, ask several people whom you trust how they perceive you in order to validate your own self-perception.   Different people probably have differing perceptions of you (your mom, your wife, your children or your neighbor). You could role-play with a close friend or simply ask them what they perceive to be others’ perception of you.  In addition, continue to fine tune both your self perception and your perception of others as you change or gather new information.

We can then utilize this new information to help us understand why people relate to us in certain ways and change our behavior that others might find offensive.

When we achieve certain results like success or failure, we often have our own theories or reasons about why things happened.   For example, we might think we attained something due to our persistence, while others tell us we were simply the best-qualified candidate.  In the 2008 United States Presidential election, President Obama was perceived variously as: calm, intelligent, charismatic, inspiring, and inexperienced.  It would be interesting to find out why he thought he won the election.  Attribution theory asks the question, “Why do we think a particular thing happens?”  In other words, to what do we attribute the cause of a particular event?  A religious person might believe something happened because they prayed for it or because it was God’s will, while a non-religious person might attribute a result solely to hard work.  A common problem related to attribution of cause called the fundamental attribution error. This refers to the common tendency of people to overemphasize personality-based explanations for behaviors observed in others while deemphasizing or not considering, situational explanations.  In other words, people assume that others’ actions are based more on what kind of person they’re rather than social or environmental forces that might be influencing them.  Is someone talkative because they’re a “motor mouth” or because they’re nervous at meeting their future wife’s family for the first time?  Be careful in judging others’ behavior without considering the circumstances or context.  Periodically check your perceptions to be sure you’re considering all possible explanations for behavior.

Tweet

Perception is important. There is how we see ourselves, how others

see us, and reality which often lies somewhere in between.